The Guilt Mines

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I haven’t slept well since my first child was born.  I’m sure this is very similar to other mothers with young children. You know what that is like you sleep with one eye open and are ready to console if one is crying from a scary nightmare or if you hear a little foot hit the floor if one is sleepwalking.  Our inner strength as mothers is truly amazing even at our tiredness of days we still find the strength to put their needs first even when it’s our darkest hour.

It’s hard to explain the chronic fatigue we battle to others who do not experience it. My best way to try to explain how it is for me sometimes personally is to imagine yourself running up a steep hill in extremely hot weather with rubber boots on with cement filled in them. It doesn’t matter how much rest you get you still wake up and feel like you just ran a marathon. I can honestly say though my fatigue has gotten a little better since I was treated for my first venoplasty for CCSVI 5 years ago.  I still have it but I have more good days than bad now with it.

So as a mom with physical limitations it’s a mine field you try everyday not to step on the “guilt mines”.  You could feel guilty for pretty much everything.  The worst for me is I have struggles everyday with physical jobs or chores that need done so I ask my children for help.  I know it doesn’t hurt to have them help me but at times they just want to be playing and be little kids and that makes me feel guilty for having to ask more than a mom who doesn’t battle with these issues. My oldest son always says to me if he sees me struggling with something “Don’t worry mom I can help you”  so I guess to raise children who will be more aware and empathetic of others with disabilities are life skills that are so invaluable ~ but I still feel guilty.  My children have never known me any other way because I was diagnosed long before they were born.

Here is a quote from an amazing lady I follow on Facebook Caylee Shea. She is a Model and activist for the Chronically ill.

“One of those days when I just need to cry. I need to be angry, I need to be frustrated! I am just so tired of being so tired. Living with chronic illness is not easy. I don’t just wake up and jump out of bed with a smile. No. I literally plan every move and only get a limited few. Every move comes with a price. Every move causes a symptom.

Being alive we have two choices- make the best of what we have or simply don’t. I choose to make the best of it. But this is still a battle for me every single day.

But that does not mean I am not going to need to rest my weary head and cry once in awhile. The way to stay positive is to allow ourselves to cry when we need to.

And today ~  I just need to cry. “

“I try to live in the moment and not beat myself up too much”

So please try to be kind to yourself and if you are having a bad day just know that it’s ok to cry and be frustrated because this MS monster steals a lot from us. We are only human to grieve the way we used to be before diagnosis.

I want to hear from you as a mother with MS. What tips can you share that make your life a bit easier? Please comment on my blog below so we can all know we are not in this alone.

Until my next blog take care:)

Michelle Walsh

 

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About Michelle Walsh

Diagnosed in 1991 when she was 18 years old. She flew actively as a Flight Attendant for many years and moved into Inflight Management and worked full time for 14 years until her MS made it unable for her to work anymore. Michelle has also had venoplasty for her CCSVI and most recently had the TVAM and Stem Cell procedures in California. Michelle first became a mom in February 2007 and now has 3 children and is looking forward to sharing more of her stories on her MS journey with us at MomsWithMs.org. Michelle loves to public speak and is a big fan of dark chocolate.

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